Today's been quite a mixed day. Apparently this is the first time they have squashed the School agenda into such a small period of time - last year it was over the better part of 6 weeks, this year it's all mashed into two. The advantage is that people like me, who only get so much holiday per year, can get to come. The disadvantage is that tiredness can spring on you at any moment. Like on a day when you were really looking forward to the afternoon classes, and you end up falling asleep at lunchtime and having to go back home with your host family because you're not going to be taking much from the day if you don't.
So this afternoon I missed a session by Jenn Johnson on prophetic song, one by Sean Feucht on the psalmist annointing which ended in a session of spontaneous praise, and a great teaching session by Kathy Vallotton on being beautiful. I am pretty much at the point of saying 'que sera sera', but I'm still a bit miffed. It's not like I've been trying to stay up super-late, or cramming loads of things into the free time we have (admittedly not much), and yet this still happens. When I came home, my family prayed for me which was so lovely, and I did get some good rest, yet it's still sticking in my throat.
It's at moments like these that my fears resurface, like that nothing is going to change from my time here. Whilst I was waiting for friends after class tonight, I wrote a brief list of the things I really wanted answers on from God during my time here. So many things I have been reading and hearing about these past couple of days have called me to stop focusing on what I don't have, but to give thanks for who God is and to fill my mind with His praise first and foremost.... and then all these things will be added unto me. It is such a mindshift for me - which is a little embarrassing to admit when you know you've been called to be a worshipper and you realise that you are wearing that like a label rather than living it as an identity.
And so this all leads me back to understanding why I am here. It's about consecrating myself to the One who loves me, who has always loved, me, and always will. It's not about answers; that was my intention, not His. Accepted, He may give me answers whilst I'm here, but if that's all I'm here for then it was an expensive trip I could have saved myself from doing. But when I truly understand who I was created to be, then what I was created to do will flow naturally from that (thank you to Jerry Aaronson tonight for that revelation).