Sunday, 5 December 2010
... I'm already finding myself looking towards the end of the year, and into 2011. When I started this blog, it was with a lot of hope, that things just might change this year, in comparison to others. I quickly lost that excitement when I realised one key thing wasn't planning on doing any changing - me. Quite a disappointment when you realise that at first. But then something else took over, back around July, August time. God. I've never really understood until now that there is something life-changing about knowing God. It makes me wonder what I've really been up to all this time, seeing as I became a Christian about the age of 11. But if I'm fair on myself, then I can see that God's been doing a lot of prep-work with me, to lead me up to this year. For many people, the analogy they would use at this point is 'breaking down walls', clearing stuff out of the way. But in my case it's been different. Probably earlier this year, a fab guy I know called Andy gave me a picture from God - an image of what he believed God was saying to me. He described a wall being built, between me and the past. There was a window in the wall, so I could look at what had gone on, but there was going to be a clear separation. That was exciting to hear, because there are plenty of things that have gone on before that I would gladly be cut off from, but at the same time I know that internally my response was also 'but I don't know how that can happen'. And I'm not fully sure how it has happened, but that wall is definitely going up. I no longer have an overwhelming desire to define myself by my past, but have hope for the future. I've seen and experienced crazy, mad stuff whilst getting to know God better, and it's made me hungry for more. I've been given hope in bucketfuls, and am realising that there is so much more for me to experience and understand, and instead of looking back I'm rather impatient to see what's going to happen next! I've been asked to give my testimony at church soon, and I've got no idea where to begin as yet. But as it's not Sunday yet, I shan't worry about it... there's far too much to happen between now and then, and it's going to be so exciting!