All change.... or all stay the same?

I'm about to head into what may be eight of the craziest weeks of my life to date.  And with nearly 36 years of madness already behind me, that's saying a lot.

My first challenge is completing some studies which have been ongoing for the past five or more years.  Once finished, I get to put some extra letters after my name... whoop-dee-doo.  Oh, and my CV looks better.  Wow.  Yeah, you guessed it, I'm definitely not motivated to get this done - in fact, the only thing really motivating me right now is what it will cost me financially if I run over the current deadline.  Which is in three weeks.  4,000 words to go.  Three weeks.  Research still to be finished.  Oh hec, it's going to be busy.  Not much I can do than suck it up, because there's little point in the coulda-woulda-shoulda done it long ago talk...

Saying that, it will represent an end of an era.  It's been hanging around like a bad smell for so long now, and is an inheritance from a job I technically no longer do.  It begs the question, 'what next?'  And that's where the following few weeks after that come into play.  I'm off to music school - worship school, to be exact.  Three weeks in sunny California, staying with an awesome host family, and getting to worship and learn with people who are all in for God.  Most of the time I am utterly giddy with excitement about the whole thing.  And then there are times like now.  You see, I've put so much stock in this being a key time for me.  And I've had people speak over me that this is going to be a significant time for me, that it is going to propel me forwards in God and into my destiny.  Right now, that feels like a tall order.  And I'm scared.  Scared that I'll be disappointed.  Scared that when I get back, I'll have to pretend that I've been through this amazing mountain-top experience that we all dreamed I would have, and that life will never be the same again. But what if that's not the case?  One of my dearest friends said last night that it would be impossible for me to spend that much time with God and not come back changed.  I hope so.  But I think that hope is as much earthly hope as it is heavenly hope - probably more so right now.  Those who know me well will know I have had a history of depression and anxiety - and so I'm fearful that the intense emotions and pressure of finishing my studies and going to Bethel are going to trigger a bad time, not good.  And for once, I don't want to feel like I have a battle on my hands.  To have a continuous period of being well, and not feeling like it has to be a struggle.  

That's why, over the next few blogs, those who want to can join me on a journey of truth.  Today I read a quote from Jonathan Edwards (the theologian, not the athlete... I think...) that 'truth is the agreement of our ideas with the ideas of God'.  This is going to be my preparation for the time ahead.  Learning and declaring truth.  And for me, talking about it, typing it, sharing it - whether anyone else reads it or not - helps me to process and then to learn.  I do believe that one of the things that God is 'making good' out of my circumstances is my ability to care for others in a similar predicament - it's an answer to prayer from years ago, during one of my worst periods of illness, when I begged God to 'not let this be in vain, let it be used for good one day'.  

Today is day one on the walk of truth.  It's going to be my own version of Pilgrim's (very slow) Progress.  This declaration, funnily enough, comes from Bethel church, where I'm headed in just a few weeks time:

"I am powerful, and what I believe changes the world! So today I declare:
God is in a good mood.
He loves me all the time.
Nothing can separate me from His love.
Jesus' blood paid for everything.
I will tell nations of what He has done.
I am important.
How He made me is amazing.
I was designed for worship.
My mouth establishes praise to silence the enemy.
Everywhere I go becomes a perfect health zone.
And...with God
Nothing is impossible!"

Read it out loud.  Go on.  I dare you.  And do it again tomorrow morning.  And tomorrow night, along with the next nugget of truth we share together.  Which means you'll then have more to say out loud.  Tell me how you get on.  Tell me what challenges you.  Let us encourage one another to keep going.  Because THAT is what the church is for.  Don't let anyone fool you into believing the statement that you don't have to go to church to be a Christian - it's true, church attendance has nothing to do with salvation, but the statement hides from a significant truth, that we NEED one another.  We need encouragement, challenging, those who rub the corners off our edges, those who hug us and tell us to hold on a little longer, because a new day is coming.  

Rant over.  Truth is here.  Truth is here to stay.

Make it so

I can't believe that I am about to write a blog linking prophesy to Star Trek.  I guess people have written worse analogies, but I'm not sure how many will forgive me for this one.  Think I shall dive headlong into it and see what happens....

I admit that I'm a bit of a Trekkie - definitely more so than Star Wars (seriously Mr Lucas, the first three you did were enough, you didn't need to do another three, and we won't even BEGIN to discuss some of the scripting in Anikin's first romantic scene - stick to the sci-fi mate).  I'm not exactly a dedicated fan, but I have always loved the Next Generation series more than any other.  I suspect that had something to do with having a bit of a crush not only on 'Number One', but also on Jean-Luc Picard, he of the 'Engage' and 'Make it so' fame.    It's the 'make it so' phrase that I'm thinking about at the moment, and how good it is at expressing the degree of faith we should have when making prophetic declarations.

If you don't know what I mean by a prophetic declaration, all I mean is saying things out loud with a certainty that they are going to happen.  It's like speaking things that currently aren't yet there into life.  The Bible is littered with examples of this - Matthew 16:18 is a prime one.  "Now I say to you that you are Peter (which means 'rock'), and upon this rock I will build my church, and all the powers of hell will not overcome it."  This was Jesus speaking to Simon Peter, the man who would later swear that he would be the last man standing next to Jesus if it came to it, and then rapidly found three people who he could swear blind at that he hadn't the first clue who Jesus was. The man who was about to hear the shocking words 'get behind me satan', because his best intentions were actually being used as a tool to try and tempt Jesus from His chosen course.   This was Jesus speaking to a man who would utterly let down his Master, and who would do nothing to redeem himself yet in terms of words and deeds, except to stick around once Jesus returned.  A man who, at that time and in the weeks to come, could not have been seen to deserve such faith and promise from God.  Yet Jesus knew what Simon Peter, and any observers, did not - Simon Peter's future.  Jesus was speaking out a prophetic declaration, calling this man's future into being.  Demonstrating faith in what He was certain was to come, even though there was no evidence as yet.

Here's the Star Trek link.  When Picard said 'make it so', it was often at the end of a discussion with his team, when they had considered all the options, and come to their conclusions. He would then walk out of the room, expecting his team to do exactly as he had asked - it never occurred to him that the would do anything else.  That's what a true prophetic declaration should be like - 'make it so'.  When Jesus spoke over Simon Peter's life and future, He was effectively saying 'make it so' - 'I have faith that this is what will happen next'.  We have all authority under Heaven and on Earth to make such declarations - as long as they are in line with the Word and the Spirit, of course.  But they need to be delivered with the right mindset and intention - with the faith that God will do immeasurably more than we could ever hope or dream of, and with the sole purpose that glory is given to God and not us.

And why have prophetic declarations been on my mind?  Because Glasgow has been on my mind.  Recently I heard a fab speaker, Dawna De Silva, talking about a spirit that has been sitting over Scotland, of an acceptance by the people that life simply was tough, was always going to be tough, and you just had to accept it and get on with it.  I've found myself wanting to make a prophetic declaration over Glasgow, which I am starting on from today.

Glasgow, you are a city of joy!  You are a city of freedom, of light and abundance.  You are a city of creativity, of restoration and hope.  You are a beacon city, illuminating Scotland with your brightness, and calling the creativity of this nation into being.  You are a rock that cannot be moved.  Yours is a well that will never run dry; the well has been stoppered up by a lack of faith and a reliance on human strength.  WAKE UP GLASGOW!!  The well is being opened, the stopper has been removed and the water has been rising in the passing years - the water is now ready to burst out, like a geyser.  It is going to water all of the city, and seeds of faith that have lain dormant for a long time are going to erupt into an overwhelming harvest.  You will reap a harvest that you did not plant, but that was planted for you by your ancestors.  They prayed over the seed, and trusted it to the Gardener, who is faithful, and never lets the garden go to complete ruin.  Glasgow - you have a new name, the City of Joy.

The blessing's in the detail...

I have spent a lot of time in the past thinking about the story of the prodigal son (Luke 15: 11-32), and it came back to mind this past weekend. It's a precious story even just on the surface - a son who makes some big mistakes, and a generous father who forgives. But it's only when you start to listen to the story with the mindset of those who would have heard it directly from Jesus that you really appreciate some of the even more incredible nuggets of fabulousness in it!

The prodigal son starts off in an amazing place of understanding about his position in the family - he knows he is a son and therefore an heir, so there is an inheritance to come. He's entitled to it and he's not embarrassed or ashamed about it -in fact, in this case he's so clear on this that in our terms he gets a little ahead of himself, by asking for his share whilst his father is still living and well! But hold that thought, we'll come back to this again shortly.....

And then there's what he gets up to with said inheritance. Well, some things never change - just as then, excessive drink and sleeping around with a multitude of women were as frowned upon in new testament Israel as they are by most today. So no great revalations there. But then the money runs out, and he has no place to go, and no-one to turn to. So this young man - and remember who was hearing this story - ended up feeding pigs. That's right, unclean animals - both in a physical and Old-Testament-Commandment sense of the word. Which means that, whatever you look at in terms of his life up to that point, he was now also unclean - he had committed adultery, effectively been caught up in idolatry in terms of his 'worship' of drink and women, loved everything and anyone but God and his family, so in body, mind and spirit this was one filthy man.

So what would Jesus' audience have been thinking about -certainly that Jesus was going to keep in line with Old Testament law, which probably left only a couple of likely options for this story's ending. Either he would tell them of how this man was now damned, because of the amount of sin over his life. Or, if there was redemption, he would explain that it would only be through great quantities of animal sacrifices and other rituals made on behalf of himself and his family, during which time he would probably be considered unclean and untouchable by anyone, until the process was complete.

But Jesus doesn't tell this story. Imagine the shock, confusion, hope, fear, uncertainty, wonderment - so many emotions -going through their minds, when they heard about the father who had constantly kept watching, trusting his son would finally make his way home. A father whose love for his son was so intense, so fierce, that his first thoughts were not about rituals and sacrifice, but about running to and passionately hugging his son. What was this? How would the Jewish audience have received this - not easily, I'm guessing, because it fundamentally challenged everything they had been told to believe. But it was, too, such a message of hope and grace - that a new covenant was on its way, where God's love for His children meant that He would ignore any barriers and run straight towards them, the moment they turned to Him. That's why the later tearing of the Temple curtain (when Jesus died) was so important - the barrier between the Holy of Holies, the central place in the Temple where God dwelt had been removed. Furthermore, this was not about us being able to now enter that place, although we now could, but more about how God was breaking out and running towards His people to embrace them - His Kingdom come, His will being done, now on Earth as it had previously only been done in Heaven!

Oh, and that inheritance I mentioned at the beginning..... well, although what he did with the inheritance wasn't great, there's still something to be learnt by Christians from this. At no point does the story suggest that asking for the inheritance early was wrong. It doesn't fit with our understanding of when an inheritance is received, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't have asked. In fact, the Father is quite clear to the other son, who remained behind, that 'all I have is yours' - the second son was welcome to ask at any time for part or all of his inheritance, in fact, he is effectively rebuked by his Father for behaving like a servant instead of a son and heir. 'Why didn't you ask me, son? All you had to do was say, you are a son and you are entitled to all that you see.....'. We need to understand that we don't have to wait to receive our inheritance. Instead we should start asking our Father-Daddy for what we want, not being reticent, or stingy with our requests, but instead being outrageous - 'Daddy I want it all, everything I'm entitled to!'. When we begin to get our head around the idea that we are sons and heirs, not servants and slaves, we are set free to enjoy the table of good things that God has set before us (Psalm 23) - it's our right, and we don't have to wait until heaven to get it!

And on reflection...

... I'm already finding myself looking towards the end of the year, and into 2011. When I started this blog, it was with a lot of hope, that things just might change this year, in comparison to others. I quickly lost that excitement when I realised one key thing wasn't planning on doing any changing - me. Quite a disappointment when you realise that at first. But then something else took over, back around July, August time. God. I've never really understood until now that there is something life-changing about knowing God. It makes me wonder what I've really been up to all this time, seeing as I became a Christian about the age of 11. But if I'm fair on myself, then I can see that God's been doing a lot of prep-work with me, to lead me up to this year. For many people, the analogy they would use at this point is 'breaking down walls', clearing stuff out of the way. But in my case it's been different. Probably earlier this year, a fab guy I know called Andy gave me a picture from God - an image of what he believed God was saying to me. He described a wall being built, between me and the past. There was a window in the wall, so I could look at what had gone on, but there was going to be a clear separation. That was exciting to hear, because there are plenty of things that have gone on before that I would gladly be cut off from, but at the same time I know that internally my response was also 'but I don't know how that can happen'. And I'm not fully sure how it has happened, but that wall is definitely going up. I no longer have an overwhelming desire to define myself by my past, but have hope for the future. I've seen and experienced crazy, mad stuff whilst getting to know God better, and it's made me hungry for more. I've been given hope in bucketfuls, and am realising that there is so much more for me to experience and understand, and instead of looking back I'm rather impatient to see what's going to happen next! I've been asked to give my testimony at church soon, and I've got no idea where to begin as yet. But as it's not Sunday yet, I shan't worry about it... there's far too much to happen between now and then, and it's going to be so exciting!

Whatever happened to humility?

I've been listening to a number of conversations recently, where people have talked about how they wish everyone would get along together. They've mentioned initiatives, workshops, corporate values, charity sponsorship - just like in workplaces, churches, organisations, even homes up and down the country. We're all seeking for better relationships, and wishing that people would just be nicer to one another... but are left wondering why everyone else has to make it so difficult?

A lot of the approaches people take are about 'positive reinforcement' - encouraging the behaviours we want to see more of, and rewarding them accordingly. It's not wrong, and it can have some really good results, but I can't help but think we're missing a trick. Perhaps there isn't a need for fancy reward structures, maybe we don't have to ensure that everyone who possibly contributed is thanked from the front. Instead, how about we all take a turn at showing a little humility?

It's a word we don't hear very often at all, and it's got some quite negative connotations - around people having to 'bow and scrape', 'yes m'lady', 'no, please don't care about my feelings, it's all about you' - in other words, about being a martyr. But that isn't a fair description of the true meaning, which is 'a lack of vanity or self-importance'. In other words, letting go of the ego. It gets even easier to understand when we check out its opposites - arrogance, assertiveness, egoism, pretentiousness and pride. None of us would like to be thought of as arrogant, proud or pretentious, but that's what a lack of humility is all about. When we push to have things all our own way, when we insist that only we know what is right and shove all obstacles - including people - out of our way, when we give that look to someone in a meeting that says 'I told you so', when we gossip about others and blame them behind their back for problems in the office - all of these are typical examples of how we even unwittingly put others down just so we can feel better about ourselves. And our actions lead to a spiralling of further actions - so the person who was made to feel bad goes on to make someone else's life a misery, and so on and so forth. Before we know it, trust is lost, everyone's trying to protect themselves and gain what little glory they can, and we all feel trampled on as a result.

When the damage we cause is so obvious, why do we keep on doing it? It's not pleasant to be around, it doesn't fulfil our innate need to be in close, encouraging relationships with other humans, and we all finish the day feeling worse off for it. But equally, nothing is going to change unless we each make a choice to be different. We don't need another initiative, it's not time for 'National Humility Day', it's just about making one fresh decision at a time, about standing up for a different way of working, even if it feels a little embarrassing at first. So what if people laugh - is that really a reason not to do it?

Just when I could do with looking more holy...

There are days - well whole great big long life-sized periods of time - in my life when I wish I could just be a tad more holy. Times when I wish I hadn't sung the songs at church where I said with such enthusiasm 'You give and take away, my heart will choose to say blessed be Your Name'. Today was one of those days when, if I'm honest, I felt like I couldn't be bothered to say 'thank you God'.. mainly because it would have been through gritted teeth. 'Thank you God that I'm at work when I would rather be on holiday'. 'Thank you God that I need to pay the car tax this month when I would much rather spend money on other things'. 'Thank you God that I have been given even more work to do and would rather nick off early and have an ice cream in the park'. 'Thank you God that You have called me to show your grace to everyone even when it's THAT time of the month and, quite frankly, the world is annoying me simply by breathing'. The more pious of you could certainly remind me that I should be grateful that I have a job, a car, friends and colleagues to be around - and of course, there is a very small rational area of my brain that knows this. But because I am human, I have a tendency to take all of these things for granted, and want much more on top of them. I want a job where I get to do only the tasks that I like and not have to do things that make me feel uncomfortable like presenting project plans, just in case someone challenges my ideas and shows up what an idiot I am. I want a car where I don't have to spend lots of money running it, and which I can park for free in town so I can get up late rather than get the subway. I want people around me to constantly think I'm fab, to send me wee notes of encouragement or thanks for the job I've done, or nominate me for awards so that I can get lots of public recognition and then come over all shy and humble.

And then, when I read all of that, I want one more thing. To delete it all. To not accept that there's a challenge in all of it. To run away from the possibility that just maybe someone will read this, and ask me, 'so how's it going, have you talked to God about these things?' Because if I'm not careful, the answer will be 'no'. I didn't want to receive answers so I didn't ask. I hoped that if I didn't knock on the door there was no real danger of it opening. I hoped that if I didn't go looking for God, He wouldn't come looking for me. But, like in all great pantomines (and I'm definitely a fan of the genre), He's behind me. Watching me type. And, when I get into this reflective moment, I find there is something that I want to knoweven more than all of these worldly things. What does He think about me. About my wants. About my frustrations. About my internal desires to verbally slap some of the people I come across in my daily life. About the desires I have, good and bad, that I don't tell anyone else about. About the things that almost make me cry, they fill me with that much desperation and sadness. About the things that I wish other people cared more about, so I wouldn't have to feel embarrassed about my own passion for them.

Right now, I know I don't care about being holy. I just want to know God. I want to understand why people call him 'Father' God, like He's a daddy. So I'm going to ask Him.

Amazing!

I've been on holiday for the past week - utter bliss. A whole week of living what almost feels like a completely different life, with no daily job to define the start and end of my waking hours. The change has been good, it's felt longer than it really was, and I've been glad for that. It's been a time of changes, and overall it's left me refreshed and hopeful.

The biggest of these changes has been my leaving the Glasgow Chamber Choir. Two years of mayhem and now the time has come to an end. There were a couple of reasons for going, mainly around what I think I am both capable of and wanting to do musically right now. But besides all that, I'm going to miss that bunch of nutters (I mean that in the nicest possible way.... they made me feel at home)! Someone who joined us at a meal out tonight commented on how friendly we all were, how well we get on. And it's so, so true - when you looked round the room, there's such a mixed bunch of people.... a retired lawyer, a lecturer in Theology, a climbing instructor, a wedding music planner, mothers and fathers, a sound engineer, students, finance specialists, music teachers, and many more besides. A whole bunch of people who perhaps would not normally cross each other's paths in everyday life, but because of the choir are good friends, united for their passion for music... and admittedly, for many, their passion for wine.... apparently the two go hand-in-hand??! (Yeah, music in one hand, glass in the other... nuff said, methinks)! And my life is blessed, totally enriched, by having known them. When I think of each one of them, I cannot help but consider how truly incredible the human race is. Every person is unique, and comes with gifts, abilities, thoughts and inspirations that are all their own - and when they share them with the rest of us, we so often become better people as a result. Don't get me wrong, I am fully aware of the darker sides of this world - but I choose to see the good, because it is SO good! Most people who know me will know I'm a Christian - and watching people gives me so much evidence towards a Creator-God. Look at us - we're amazing! Nevermind the phenomenal intricacies of the human body, just listen to human conversation, look at the creative arts, painting and music, watch someone think their way through a difficult situation and come to a great solution - it's awesome stuff, enough to make you giddy with the possibilities for our futures.

Because of all of this, I can't wait to go to work tomorrow - not just because I love my job (and I know what a gift it is to be able to say that, truly I do) but because I will meet so many fantastic people, some who I know already, and maybe some who I will meet for the first time. And they will be awesome, wonderful, gifted people, and I will be blessed for meeting them. Amazing!